Lauren Keene

Punk Bloc: How Punk Rock Rose to Prominence as Resistance Tool in Soviet Russia

8:38 AM

This is a research paper conducted for my Russian Life and Culture class.

Throughout Western cultural history, music has consistently been an instrument for social change. From the freewheeling Bob Dylan waxing poetic with his harmonica to Public Enemy fighting the power of institutionalized racism, popular music has permitted artists to express their political views and frustrations over catchy hooks, riffs and beats. Some artists like Buffalo Springfield and The Clash built their entire musical careers writing now-legendary protest songs. Western protest music has been widely distributed and easily accessible, oftentimes reaching millions of young, impressionable minds who are eager to listen and learn.

American artists and music fans alike have taken full advantage of our free speech, but other nations have not been so fortunate. Throughout Russia’s soviet era, music consumption was heavily censored similarly to the rest of the media. Rock and roll was not there to stay; in fact, the genre was ostracized and criticized from its inception. Fearless members of Russian youth countercultures embraced rock with open arms despite potential legal and social consequences, eventually birthing a punk movement and creating a community of resistance near the end of Soviet reign.

In this paper, I attempt to find out how punk rock culture emerged from the ruins of severe censorship and became an agent of social change during the twilight of the Soviet Union. As a musically-inclined journalism major, I’m intrigued by punk’s flourishment in a nation where media was strictly controlled. I came of age on the outskirts of Milwaukee’s punk scene and have experienced firsthand how uncomfortable expressing your rage against the government machine can be. I can only imagine how Soviet-era punks rebelled against the system that was forced on them since birth, controlling virtually every aspect of their lives.

After the Soviet Union’s formation in 1922, a central censorship office was immediately established. Glavlit was responsible for enforcing censorship throughout the U.S.S.R. to prevent political dissidence. According to Michael Fox, Glavlit became “an increasingly complex system of pre-publication control and post publication evaluation, involving myriad party and state agencies.” The censorship office was extremely meticulous and maintained control of all printed materials and performing arts endeavors. While Vladimir Lenin was still alive, the office was somewhat more lenient with artists, allowing them creative freedom if political criticism was not involved in their work (Fox).

In 1923, a branch of Glavlit called glavrepertkom began its rise to power as one of the most powerful censorship branches in the U.S.S.R. It was established to tighten censorship of the performing arts, film, records and music. Glavrepertkom paid especially close attention to cultural outlets that reached the masses, such as public cinemas. In 1924, one out of every ten records were deemed unacceptable by glavrepertkom. According to a document published in 1926, 30% of sheet music was banned along with 7.2% of records (Fox). These statistics would only increase as time passed and Soviet power dynamics changed.

Lenin’s death in 1924 was a turning point for the Soviet Union. 22 years after his passing, Soviet creatives found themselves following the same censorship rules as the rest of the media. The Zhdanov Doctrine was published after World War II in 1946. The document promoted even stricter government control over art and intellectual activity and had a staunchly anti-Western bias.

When music became mass-produced and widely distributed, it was only natural the Soviet government would hold a tight grip on what kind of music citizens could consume. The state-owned record label Melodiya was founded in 1964. The label almost exclusively pressed records by domestic musicians whose music was deemed acceptable by government officials (Bratersky).

During the 1960s, Beatlemania managed to make its way past the Iron Curtain and into the U.S.S.R. Purchasing an authentic Beatles LP on the black market could cost buyers nearly two weeks’ salary due to their rarity and popularity. For many Russians, the music black market was far too expensive to be a viable option (Aksenov). It was inevitable that ambitious music fans would turn to producing illegal recordings called bootlegs (Lewis).

Vinyl was scarce and expensive during the Cold War era, but young Russian music fans worked hard to get their groove on despite financial road bumps. Roentgenizdat, or “bone music”, were LPs produced using discarded x-ray films and a modified record player. Harvested from hospitals, the films were flimsy and fragile, but easily accessible and affordable (Nagy). A counterculture called stilyagi became infamous for pressing the illegal records, many of which were by popular Western rock and jazz artists (Stites).

“[The stilyagi] would cut the X-ray into a crude circle with manicure scissors and use a cigarette to burn a hole," author Anya von Bremzen told NPR. "You'd have Elvis on the lungs, Duke Ellington on Aunt Masha's brain scan — forbidden Western music captured on the interiors of Soviet citizens.” Bone music LPs were similar to modern flexi-discs in thickness and length (Nelson). One bone record could hold only one side of an LP, but buying two bone records was still significantly less expensive than buying one vinyl record (Nagy).

Of course, even the craftiest bootleggers couldn’t produce illegal LPs without having the original copies first. Beatles records were often smuggled into the U.S.S.R. by sailors, actors and other Russians who worked abroad. Even diplomats and party workers sometimes brought the records into the country after traveling outside of the country. Smuggling music was risky business, and getting caught could put wrongdoers in a lot of trouble (Woodhead). If the KGB received word of piracy, offenders could be fired from jobs or expelled from school (Stites).

Soviet citizens were exposed to Western rock music mostly through British artists like the aforementioned Beatles and Rolling Stones, though neither band was popular with the Soviet officials. The government made nonstop efforts to prevent rock and roll from entering the public consciousness, feeling that the themes of drugs, sex and free love may steer young communists in less desirable directions (Woodhead). A now-infamous list of “Not recommended” music was curated by Komsomol, the Communist Party’s youth group. American punk bands like The Stooges, The Ramones and The B-52s were banned simply for being of the “punk” genre. Many other rock bands were also blocked from Soviet ears. Black Sabbath’s music was banned for “religious obscurantism” while post-punk band Talking Heads were frowned upon for promoting a “myth of Soviet military danger.” (Kaufman)

It was not until Mikhail Gorbachev came to power that western music became accessible in the U.S.S.R. The mid-1980s was the first time Western musicians were able to tour in Russia (Kaufman). According to Virginia Tech Russian scholar A. Lengyel, the music “encouraged and nurtured the new sense of freedom and individuality growing at the time.” (Lengyel) Finally, cherished Western musicians like ABBA, Elton John and Boney M were able to sell their records to fans behind the Iron Curtain. Only a very select few Western musicians were given this privilege, though, as censorship laws were still very much in place.

Ironically, Paul McCartney eventually released a legal album for Soviet listeners under Gorbachev’s reign. Despite previous leaders’ disdain for the Fab Four, McCartney was the first Western artist to craft an album exclusively for Soviet markets. Titled Choba B CCCP, the album’s title is a Russian translation of “Back In The U.S.S.R”, nodding to a single released by The Beatles in 1968. However, McCartney didn’t have absolute creative freedom when recording the album. Censorship laws still prevented him from writing any risqué original material, and the album’s entire track list was composed of 1950s covers. A cover of The Beatles’ hit “I Saw Her Standing There” was left off of the release. The record was McCartney’s way of showing appreciation for Russian fans who supported The Beatles since the beginning of the career. When the album was released, McCartney said, “In releasing this record exclusively in the Soviet Union, I extend the hand of peace and friendship to the people of Russia.”

Punk rock has incessantly been frowned upon in Western culture, and the polarizing genre still struggles to receive widespread acceptance today. Punk is famed for being loud, aggressive and political – all traits the Soviet government did not want citizens to possess. Punk’s artistic peak in the U.K. was under Margaret Thatcher’s reign, and Ronald Reagan’s presidency sparked punk’s glory years in America. The genre is known to thrive under oppressive conditions, especially those put in place by the government. The Soviet Union was the ideal breeding ground for punk bands; a nation full of disaffected youths fed up with their leaders and futures (or lack thereof).

Though punk came of age in ever-cosmopolitan London, the genre gained traction in the desolate lands of Siberia. Siberia’s remoteness and distance from Moscow and St. Petersburg made it an ideal place to launch a vibrant, vocal punk scene (Kozlov). The lack of financial and cultural resources given to young people made “do it yourself” ethics a necessity, not a choice. Recording music and playing shows required copious amounts of effort and innovation. Siberian punks congregated in cafeterias, libraries, and “Houses of Culture” to engage in discussion and play music (VICE). Many instruments were homemade using household materials like bathtubs and phones. Microphones inside telephone receivers were fashioned into guitar pick-ups, and many public phone booths became vandalized or broken. Guitar strings were appropriated from pianos (Ryback).

Soviet punks were far from the caricatured Sex Pistols-esque punk that we envision today. Censorship meant young people were oftentimes behind on cultural trends, especially fashion. Safety pins, leather jackets and combat boots weren’t accessible to aspiring rockers, and many took the matter into their own hands. “We looked at old magazine photos, gave ourselves mohawks and painted our faces so we looked like KISS,” said Alexander Chirkin, the front man of Russian punk band Putti (Vice). Though both misguided efforts as far as traditional punk aesthetics go, painted faces and mohawks were certainly appalling to elders and government officials. Some punks went as far as painting Nazi symbols on their clothes as an ultimate form of rebellion.

Soviet punk culture was especially fueled by anti-Soviet resistance. Active participants throughout Russian punk communities were adamant about ending communism and eradicating the radicalism of Soviet reign. Speaking out against the government, especially through rock music, was not appreciated by officials. Bands lived under constant government watch and scrutiny, even having to clear their lyrics with censorship offices before performing songs live. The “Allowed for Performance” stamp was still no protection from police beatings or arrest. Many Soviet punks were expelled from college, forced into the army or unable to get jobs (Kozlov).

Known widely as the godfather of Russian punk, Igor “Yegor” Letov became a seminal punk figure throughout Russia. Hailing from Siberia, he fronted one of Russia’s most renowned punk bands Grazhdanskaia Oborona (Civil Defense), known as GrOb, which translates to “coffin” in Russian. As GrOb gained underground popularity in the mid ‘80s, the band was accused by Soviet authorities of being part of an underground terrorist group. Letov was forced into a psych ward for three months before finally being released. He was vocally anti-communist and became a prominent member of the National Bolshevik Party (Yoffe).

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Russian punks became an army without an enemy. Many bands dissolved during the mid and late 1990s, feeling as though they had nothing to fight about anymore (Yoffe). As the new millennium approached and Vladimir Putin came to power, punk’s popularity began to rise. Pussy Riot gained notoriety worldwide in 2012 after a performance in Moscow. Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Maria Alyokhina and Yekaterina Samutsevich were imprisoned after being found guilty of “hooliganism” after performing a song critical of President Putin in front of a church. The song’s lyrics roughly translate to “Mother Mary, please drive Putin away”. They were charged for offending churchgoers with their obscene language, revealing clothing and showing disrespect towards the Orthodox Church (Smith-Spark).

It’s clear that punk music was impactful for Soviet youth. The most passionate punks made every effort to play their music knowing the government was keeping a close eye on their every move. I really admire their bravery and dedication. The most unfortunate part of writing this paper was the lack of actual music resources. I found a few MP3s online, but for the most part, Soviet punk music was not preserved. Because the genre lived in secrecy, it was rarely recorded and distributed. It’s not at all like Western punk music, where even a casual music listener could name a few bands. I’d like to further research how people organized shows. where they purchased their instruments, and if punk scenes in different Russian cities communicated.

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Works Cited

Aksenov, Pavel. “Beatles for Sale: The Vinyl Underground in the USSR.” BBC News, BBC, 5 Oct. 2012, www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-19827438.

Bratersky, Alexander. “Legendary Soviet Record Label Goes Online.” The Moscow Times, 27 June 2013, themoscowtimes.com/articles/legendary-soviet-record-label-goes-online-25345.

Fox, Michael S. "Glavlit, Censorship and the Problem of Party Policy In.." Soviet Studies, vol. 44, no. 6, Dec. 1992, p. 1045. EBSCOhost, ezproxy.lib.uwm.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip,uid&db=aph&AN=9710151863&site=ehost-live&scope=site.

Kaufman, Sarah. “The Soviet Union Banned These Bands in 1985.” Spin, 31 Mar. 2015, www.spin.com/2014/06/list-western-bands-music-russia-banned-soviet-union/.

Kozlov, Vladimir. "Siberian Punk." Russian Life 58.3 (2015): 42-47,6. Web.

Lengyel, A. “Behind the Iron Curtain: Western Music and the Soviet Collapse.” Pass The Vodka, Comrade: Delving Through Soviet History, One Glass At A Time, Virginia Tech, 7 Dec. 2014, https://blogs.lt.vt.edu/aalrussia2014/2014/12/07/behind-the-iron-curtain-western-music-and-the-soviet-collapse/.

Lewis, Danny. “When Rock Was Banned in the Soviet Union, Teens Took to Bootlegged Recordings on X-Rays.” Smithsonian.com, Smithsonian Institution, 10 Dec. 2015, www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/soviet-hipsters-bootlegged-banned-music-bone-records-180957505/.

MacDonald, Ian. “Music under Soviet Rule.” Southern Illinois University - Edwardsville, 2003, www.siue.edu/~aho/musov/contents.html.

Nagy, Attila. “The Bizarre History of X-Ray Records and Early Music Piracy.” Gizmodo, Gizmodo.com, 19 Aug. 2014, gizmodo.com/the-bizarre-history-of-x-ray-records-and-early-music-pi-1621176133.

Nelson, Davia. “How Soviet Kitchens Became Hotbeds Of Dissent And Culture.” NPR, NPR, 27 May 2014, www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2014/05/27/314961287/how-soviet-kitchens-became-hotbeds-of-dissent-and-culture.

Paphides, Pete. “Bone Music: the Soviet Bootleg Records Pressed on x-Rays.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 29 Jan. 2015, www.theguardian.com/music/2015/jan/29/bone-music-soviet-bootleg-records-pressed-on-xrays.

Ryback, Timothy W. Rock around the Bloc : A History of Rock Music in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union / Timothy W. Ryback. 1990. Print.

Smith-Spark, Laura. “Russian Court Imprisons Pussy Riot Band Members on Hooliganism Charges.” CNN, Cable News Network, 18 Aug. 2012, www.cnn.com/2012/08/17/world/europe/russia-pussy-riot-trial/index.html.

Staff, VICE. “Allowed for Performance: Punk and Rebellion in 1980s Siberia.” Noisey, VICE Media, 7 Apr. 2015, noisey.vice.com/en_uk/article/r3zq9w/siberian-punk-scene-in-the-1980s.

Stites, R. "BACK IN THE USSR - THE TRUE STORY OF ROCK IN RUSSIA - TROITSKY,A." Slavic Review 48.2 (1989): 308. Print.

Woodhead, Leslie. “How the Beatles Rocked the Eastern Bloc.” BBC News, BBC, 4 Sept. 2009, news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8232235.stm.

Yoffe, Mark. “Obituary: Yegor Letov.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 22

Madonna's Never-ending Story: The Icon's Legacy Today

8:30 AM

This piece was my final project for my comparative literature class. I wrote it three hours before it was due. Being a scholar is hard work.

Madonna.

When some people hear the name, images of the holy Virgin Mary appear in their head. According to most Christians, Mother Mary is the woman that every woman should aspire to be. Her purity, innocence and youthfulness are traits the ideal woman would possess. She’s often depicted with pale skin, dark brown hair and dressed a white gown and blue veil. Her conservative appearance hardly ever changes.

For others, the word Madonna conjures an imagine that couldn’t be more different. Madonna is muscular, blonde, and hardly ever seen in the same outfit. She’s sexy, mature, and oozing with sensuality.

Just like The Beatles are bigger than Jesus, it seems as though the pop superstar Madonna is even more world-renowned than Madonna, Jesus’ mom. Since her 1982 debut, Madonna Louise Ciccone has been making waves across virtually every cultural sphere. Fashion, movies, television and, of course, music: there’s hardly a facet of contemporary American pop culture Madonna hasn’t laid a fingerless-gloved hand on.

It’s nearly impossible to escape her wrath. Her many greatest hits are always playing on the radio and the grocery store. Her movies like “Evita”, “Desperately Seeking Susan” and “A League of Their Own” are almost as renowned as her albums. Her influence on fashion continues today. An entire episode of Fox’s musical television show “Glee” was devoted to her music. Even 35 years after her emergence, Madonna is a cultural force to reckon with.

It’s only natural a seminal pop star with such undeniable lasting impact is going to inspire a copycat or two. Either directly or indirectly, countless contemporary musicians have borrowed a trick or two from Madonna’s book of secrets. The biggest and baddest contemporary pop stars from the last ten years each have Madonna to thank for some aspect of their art. From Beyonce to Taylor Swift, Madonna is seemingly everywhere with no sign of going away any time soon.

Madonna built a career on her sexual liberation. From Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” to Like A Prayer’s “Express Yourself”, her albums are riddled with sensual tracks. In 1992, she released her sexiest album yet. Titled “Erotica”, the album sang the praises of a woman’s sexual pleasure. Madonna owns her body and places explicitly concise demands on her lover. The album accompanied a coffee table photography book called “Sex”. The now-infamous book features photographs of the singer in erotic poses, putting her whole body on display for consumers. She was comfortable and confident in her body and sexuality, teaching her female listeners to take control of their own sexual pleasure.

Of course, Madonna wasn’t the first pop star to sing about sex. She certainly wasn’t the last, either. One contemporary parallel to Erotica is Beyoncé’s 2014 surprise album Beyoncé. Like Madonna before her, Queen Bey was no stranger to singing about sex or placing demands on men. The singer achieved fame as a member of Destiny’s Child, singing songs about bills, bills, bills and being a survivor.

Despite her previous releases, Beyoncé took singing about sex to a whole new extreme. Nearly every song on the album has a reference to sexual pleasure given to her by her husband, Jay-Z. On “Blow”, Bey delightfully sings about receiving cunnilingus, using quirky euphemisms like “lick my Skittles”. “Drunk In Love” is the album’s passionate, lustful signature song and most successful single. Beyoncé and Jay-Z sing to each other about their sexual prowess and love of each other’s bodies. “Partition” is about having sex in the backseat of a car. Beyonce sings about being so aroused, she’s unable to wait to get home to have sex. Even slow, sexually-political jams like “Jealous” describe Bey’s seduction attempts (like cooking while naked) and her rage when they aren’t appreciated. Even by today’s standards, the album was dirty.

Her sex-filled songs were frowned upon by critics, and so were her fashion choices. Madonna received almost instant backlash from the Catholic church when she donned rosaries as jewelry on the cover of “Like A Virgin”. She layered the sacred item on top of a corset, tutu skirt and a belt reading “BOY TOY”. Grandmas everywhere were appalled to see a pop star treat a rosary so recklessly. Even in spite of the apparent controversy, Madonna continued to wear rosaries around her neck along with other religious artifacts. She continued to invoke religious imagery in her fashion choices into the mid-90s, and she’s seen wearing religious jewelry in her concert documentary “Truth or Dare”.

In 2012, rapper Nicki Minaj angered quite a few people with a similarly sacrilegious spectacle. While performing her song “Roman Holiday” at the 2012 Grammy Awards, Minaj donned a pope-inspired gown along with pope stand in. Yep, Minaj brought an old, white man dressed as the pope along to the Grammys. Minaj was attempting to recreate The Exorcism of Emily Rose during her unholy performance, and pulled out every possible stop. Her stage set featured traditional church-like architecture, including stained glass and wooden stairs. Her backup dancers were dressed as altar boys in white hooded robes. Near the end of the performance, her backup singers began singing the traditional Christian hymn “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” as Minaj levitated on stage surrounded by flames. The faux-priest began to perform an exorcism as Minaj shook uncontrollably.

After this performance, all hell broke loose.

The following morning, headlines everywhere called the performance sacrilegious and distasteful. An official representative from the Catholic Church released a press release expressing disgust towards the performance. Catholic League president Bill Donahue described Minaj as “fresh off looking like a fool with Madonna at the Super Bowl.” He even implies Minaj is actually possessed and shames the Recording Academy to allow the offensive performance. The performance is considered one of Minaj’s greatest, but the controversy often overshadows her art.

Another headline from The Hollywood Reporter read, “Lady Gaga had to have been laughing at the Rapper’s imitation (sorry, homage) to one of her (or Madonna’s) performances.” Gaga has received more comparisons to Madonna than anyone. From her raw meat dress to her Kermit the Frog ensemble, Gaga certainly doesn’t hold back when it comes to fashion. Like Madonna, Gaga seems to intentionally present herself as outlandish and extreme. This seems to be a concept Madonna invented, as no pop star before her seemed to intentionally go out of their way to shock (or offend) their fans or observers. Gaga also creates music that isn’t terribly far-off from Madonna’s, especially compared to many contemporary pop stars. Her range is similar to Madonna’s, and her pop ballads are beloved.

A second way Gaga invokes Madge influence is her prominence in the LGBT+ community. Though nearly everyone mentioned in this article is a gay icon of sorts, Lady Gaga is easily the most widely adored and accepted pop music figure in the gay community. Madonna once said she would not have achieved such a great degree of success without the help and love of the gay community. In the 1980s and 1990s, she was a vocal advocate for AIDS and safe-sex awareness. Today, Lady Gaga is a similar advocate of acceptance, using tracks like “Born This Way” to express her love of individuality and freedom of expression. Milwaukee dance clubs often host “Lady Gaga vs. Madonna” theme nights to honor each woman’s iconic work and lasting legacy.

A lot of Madonna’s ties with the gay community are very personal. In the 1991 documentary Truth Or Dare, viewers are introduced many of Madonna’s background dancers. Most of the men are gay and suffering from AIDS themselves. Various scenes throughout the film show the dancers participating in AIDS-based activism and reflecting on their place as gay men in America. The film was a revolutionary concert documentary, shot completely black and white. It painted an intimate picture of Madonna and her crew, showing moments that huge fans would only dream of seeing. In spite of the rawness, some critics say Madonna’s role in the film was ingenuine. It’s a well-known secret that Madonna is fiercely protective of her image, and even the candid shots in the film are supposedly posed.

In 2012, Katy Perry released Katy Perry: Part Of Me, a concert-documentary inspired by Madonna’s very own rock doc. Just like “Truth or Dare”, the documentary featured up close and personal Perry performances along with personal revelations about Perry’s divorce. One standout scene is Perry having a breakdown about losing her then-husband Russell Brand. The scene shows Perry in tears, putting on a bright, fake smile as she rises to the stage level and begins her performance.

Like Lady Gaga, Perry invokes a Madonna-like aesthetic. Though the singer changed her style often, for the first 10 or 15 years of her career, she often reflected styles of years past. Her makeup was often similar to film stars of the 1930s and 1940s. Her light eyeshadow, thick eyeliner, red lips and blonde ringlets drew comparisons to Marilyn Monroe and other screen sirens. Madonna even copied the Marilyn Monroe movie Gentlemen Prefer Blondes for her “Material Girl” music video, making the comparisons even more obvious. Though Perry isn’t blonde, she’s certainly a bombshell. Her dark, wavy hair, thick bangs, red lips and similar makeup to Madonna channel similar ‘50s stars like Bettie Page. She’s also worn some outlandish outfits not unlike Madonna and Lady Gaga.

Major pop stars like Madonna often can’t escape the media frenzy that comes with celebrity territory. Sometimes, they can’t escape other celebrities. Madonna and Elton John nurtured a feud for years, and the “he said/she said” situation still continues to intrigue fans of each artist. Cultural consumers of a certain age will never forget “Imma let you finish…”, Kanye West’s now-iconic interruption of Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs. When Swift beat out Beyonce for “Video of the Year”, West simply could not help but interject. He lit a fire inside of Swift that, to this day, has yet to be put out. Their back and forth is easily the most infamous celebrity feud of the 21^st century, not unlike Madonna and John’s high-profile catfight fiasco.

The greatest cultural figures are remembered long after their deaths, thanks in part to both their art and their legacy. Though Madonna is younger than most celebrities of a similar fame level, it’s safe to say she will be remembered long after she passes. Her legacy will live on through current and future artists who aspire to express themselves and make Madonna proud.

Punks Want Nice Things (For The Homeless)

1:15 PM

A Beginner's Guide to Antidepressants

antidepressants 4:49 PM

(I submitted this guide to starting antidepressants to Rookie. Unsurprisingly, it was rejected. I didn't want to waste all my hard work, so here it is for my hoards of blog readers to enjoy.)

My panic attacks all begin the same way.

I feel a slight pressure in the middle of my chest. I inhale deeply. I exhale forcefully. My thoughts start to slip out of control.

“Am I suffocating? If I black out, where’s the nearest emergency room? I think there’s one a few blocks south of here…”

I begin to hyperventilate, inducing yawns to ensure I get a full breath. Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Hyperventilating is making my blood flow irregularly. My shaking hands start to feel tingly. They’re not working like they’re supposed to.

My chest pressure is suddenly coupled with a sharp pain. I try to breathe, but it’s getting harder. My heart starts pounding and the room begins to spin.

“I’m dying. This is the end. This is the panic attack that finally kills me. I can feel it.”

I’ve battled mental illness for half of my life. Over the past ten years, I’ve struggled with various degrees of depression. My worst period was during high school. During this time, I saw a counselor weekly and met occasionally with a psychiatrist. I was prescribed antidepressants when I was 15, but made a joint decision with my dad not to take them. I tried to manage my depression without the help of medication, and it worked for a while.

My sophomore year of college, my mental health took a turn for the worse. I was working 40 hours a week and going to school full time. This led to an overwhelming amount of stress that triggered frequent panic attacks. They could be caused by certain events or come completely out of nowhere. I had no way of knowing when they would happen.

I suffered from severe anxiety for almost a year before I couldn’t handle it anymore. Living in a constant state of dread was starting to take its toll. I ended up taking a year off of school to get my mental health under control. I could barely sleep or make it through a shift without an anxiety-related episode.

I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. I explained my nervous, panicky thoughts and the physical symptoms that accompanied them. I broke down crying in her office almost immediately. She read me a checklist of anxiety symptoms, trying to verify the ones I’d experienced. I was prescribed escitalopram (name brand: Lexapro), an SSRI used to treat depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

Mental illness among young people is more common than you might think.

It’s very easy to feel singled out with your mental illness, especially if you don’t know anyone personally who shares your struggle. We are the most mentally ill generation in history, with one in four teenagers suffering from a diagnosable mental illness. In 2013, a survey conducted by the ACHA found that 57% of college aged women experienced “episodes of overwhelming anxiety”. Additionally, 33% of college aged women reported depressive episodes that impacted their ability to function daily. More than 11% of college students have been diagnosed or treated for anxiety in the past year.

You aren’t alone.

It's okay to be nervous.

Karen, age 20, was hesitant to start her prescription. “My psychologist's recommendations were no longer working for me,” she explains. “I was finally recommended medication. I’ve always had a fear of taking wrongly-prescribed medication, especially ones that would alter my brain.”

I was very nervous about starting antidepressants, too. I didn't actually take a single pill until about six weeks after my prescription started. Naturally, I had anxiety about taking medication for my anxiety! I was the first of my friends to be prescribed an SSRI. I didn't have anyone close to console me or share their experiences. I felt like I was taking a shot in the dark.

I obsessively Googled things like “starting escitalopram”, "escitalopram side effects", and "escitalopram success stories". I read countless anonymous mental health internet forums. I didn't find this information very reassuring, but I needed some kind of answer. It took a lot of encouragement from my friends and family to persuade me into starting them. I knew they wanted me to help myself, but my anxiety was preventing me.

...but you don't always have to be.

In hindsight, I wish I would have taken my medication as soon as it was prescribed to me. I had to do a lot of self-reassuring in the beginning. I repeatedly compared my antidepressants to long term medications that are prescribed for physical illnesses. It took me a long time to understand that doctors prescribe medications for a reason. I didn't ask to be mentally ill, just like people don’t ask for broken legs or diabetes. It was something out of my control.

The side effects can be unpleasant at first, but you'll make it through.

I'll be honest with you guys. Initially, the side effects can be pretty uncomfortable. I had some of the most painful stomach aches of my life the first week I took my pills. My sleep schedule was irregular for over a month. I couldn't sleep at night, and was tired all day. I could have fallen asleep almost anywhere ...except in my bed! There can also be sexual side effects, like not being able to orgasm. Talk to your doctor about the potential side effects so you know what to expect. (I didn’t.)

After about six weeks, my body finally adjusted to the medication. My stomach aches stopped, my sleeping pattern returned to normal, and I could orgasm again (woo!). The adjustment period can feel excruciating and never-ending, but I promise it will get better.

Like all medications, not every antidepressant works the same way for everyone. Emily, 22 says, “My side effects were very minimal and tolerable. It was very much worth it for me to power through those first few weeks. Even after the adjustment period, I continued to have freakishly vivid dreams. They’re amazing.”

They can take some getting used to.

Remembering to take a pill every day can be challenging. Antidepressants were the first daily medication I'd ever been prescribed. I’ve forgotten to take them a few times. Fortunately, most antidepressants have a fairly long half-life, so you won't be affected too much if you miss a day. (The longer you take your pills, the longer their half-life will be.) Set an alarm for your medication if you're forgetful, or take it along with another daily medication like birth control, allergy pills, etc.

Generally, antidepressants aren't effective immediately. Just like your body needs time to adjust, so does your brain! Your anxiety or depression could potentially worsen before it gets better. If this persists, talk to your doctor and discuss what changes need to be made to your prescription. Starting antidepressants can be a long process, and so can finding the medication that fits you best.

You may need to experiment with different brands and dosages to find what's right for you.

I was very fortunate with my prescription. My dosage and brand worked very well for me, and I’ve had minimal problems with them so far. However, this isn’t always the case.

Kelly, age 20, tried a few brands and dosages before finding her best prescription. “I didn’t tell my therapist about my eating disorder when I was first prescribed antidepressants,” she explains. “I began taking 10 mg escitalopram. My dosage was raised to 20 mg after I confessed my eating disorder. I went back to my doctor and told her I was still bingeing, purging, and having depressive episodes daily. I was then switched to 10 mg fluoxetine (name brand: Prozac). I finally wasn’t thinking about food every minute of the day. This, in turn, made me feel much less anxious. I didn’t have any trouble switching [medications] because I was going right from one to another.”

Your doctor and pharmacist are there to help you.

The morning after I took my first pill, I woke up with an unusual headache. I called my pharmacist immediately. She reassured me that this was normal and not to worry. It's also important to make regular appointments with your doctor for med-checks. Discuss with your doctor how effective the medication feels and the side-effects you are experiencing.

If you see a therapist or psychiatrist, they can be great resources too! Even though I see a therapist bi-weekly, my primary physician is the person who prescribed the medication. Medical professionals want to help you, and most of them are only a phone call away.

Antidepressants aren't a magic cure…

Antidepressants don't eliminate anxiety or depression completely; they exist to make mental illness easier to manage. I have my share of days where I still feel depressed or anxious. There are times when I feel a panic attack is coming on. These feelings are not nearly as destructive as they once were, but they still happen.

Karen has been taking her prescription for a while, but she occasionally battles her old symptoms. “I notice a tiny bit of anxiety when I'm by myself. However, it's nothing compared to what I experienced before taking the medication. When I acknowledge this kind of anxiety, I’m able to listen to myself when I say that it's nothing to worry about. I'm able to move on and do something to manage it.

…but they can be extremely beneficial if you have a prescription.

With the help of my prescription, I’ve been able to get my mental illness under control. I no longer have daily panic attacks, and for the most part, my overall mood has improved significantly. They’ve eased my lifelong shyness, which often fueled by my anxiety. My self-esteem is higher and I feel motivated to succeed.

“I no longer felt the need to cry. I am motivated to go out with friends and to work again. I no longer have the thoughts that I will never be happy again,” explains Karen. “I’m confident in myself again. I don’t have crippling anxiety when I’m alone.”

Emily’s medication positively impacted her life, too. “My prescription has calmed me down immensely. My mental state is clear and calm, whereas before it was like a hurricane of colors and pain. I can be myself and not feel afraid or anxious. I’ve noticed that I care more about friendships and relationships than before. I feel better than I have in years.”

If you have any other questions about your prescription, do not hesitate to contact your doctor. I am not a medical professional of any kind. These are my personal experiences that I wanted to share with other young people starting to take prescribed antidepressants.

Call for Submissions: Dairy Queens Zine

10:02 AM

Disorder

joy division 5:56 PM

(I submitted this personal essay to the New York Times' Modern Love column. Unsurprisingly, it was rejected. I didn't want to waste all my hard work, so here it is for my hoards of blog readers (sike). Enjoy.)

It’s a rainy day in Milwaukee. A tall boy and I are in the same record store, both looking to add to our already extensive collections. We both reach for the same dusty copy of Neil Young’s “On The Beach”. Our hands touch and we lock eyes. Immediately, we know we belong together.

My true love shares my obsession with middle aged rock stars who could be our dads, like Richard Hell and Jim Carroll. He agrees with my theory Kurt Cobain was unjustly murdered. Our combined record collection is in the hundreds ...no, thousands. He squeezes my hand when our favorite bands play our favorite songs at shows. We bask in the glow of love under the blue and purple stage lights, feeling so lucky we found each other.

I've spent the first 20 years of my life completely romanticizing relationships. I've harbored many fantasies about meeting the love of my life in a record store. This idealism stems from films like "High Fidelity" and "(500) Days of Summer" - films about male protagonists exploring relationships using music as their guides. As a girl who can attribute very specific musical memories to every boy I've ever been interested in, I've always been frustrated with the lack of music-inspired love stories told by women. I longed to someday have my own romance told through songs, albums, and concerts.

My music infatuation led to my first music industry job when I was 19. After six months of scanning tickets, folding chairs, and hanging posters, I met (name withheld). Yep, his name was ****, just like many of my favorite musicians - **** Westerberg, **** McCartney, **** Collins, and **** Simon. We were only scheduled together because one of our coworkers broke her ankle and needed me to cover her shift. My obsession with fate wouldn’t have it any other way.

We learned we both work three jobs and struggle with mental illnesses. He shared with me his lifelong battle with OCD and depression, and I told him about my own depression and severe anxiety. He revealed that shortly before we met, he tried to commit suicide for the first time at age 24.

We became boyfriend and girlfriend not even three weeks later. Even though it was extremely uncomfortable, waiting until I was 20 to kiss a boy did have its perks. The first time we kissed, we were listening to Big Star. He played them because he knew they were one of my favorite bands and he wanted to impress me. I don't remember what song was playing (I was a little distracted), but it was off of No. 1 Record / Radio City. After telling my best friend Lulu, she laughed and said "Aren't you glad you waited and didn't waste your first kiss on some sweaty teen boy?"

Uh, yeah.

Between the excited jitters of my first relationship and starting a new anxiety medication, I could barely sleep the first night I stayed at his house. My choice of ambient music was The Stone Roses' self-titled first album. I woke up around 2 AM, frustrated I couldn't stay asleep. As I laid there next to him, listening to him calmly inhale and exhale, I heard "This Is The One" playing quietly beside us. Even my iPhone agreed *** and I were perfect together.

Going to concerts, seeing movies, and laughing at way too many internet memes were the activities that defined our relationship. One show we attended was Peter Hook & The Light, where Hook and his band performed Joy Division's compilation album Substance. We learned we share the same favorite Joy Division song, "Disorder". I was overjoyed to learn we had yet another trivial but substantial thing in common. My idealistic teenage dream was finally come true.

Two weeks after the Peter Hook show, **** told me he was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They went on for about a week until he decided to go into the hospital. I left work early and took him into the emergency room on a Friday night. I listened to him explain in great detail his suicide plan, in the event he would go through with another attempt. We spent a few hours in the ER, and after some intense psychological questioning, he told the nurses he felt better. They let him go.

We went back to his house, watched the Bee Movie, and fell asleep. Everything seemed fine. His choice for ambient music was Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures. I quickly fell asleep after only the first song on the album played - "Disorder". I kissed him goodbye on Saturday morning and told him I would see him on Monday.

I texted him about ten times on Monday, and received no response. I messaged him on Facebook, thinking maybe his phone was broke. Still, no answer. I started to get nervous, but told myself I was being too paranoid. He’s probably fine.

I finally got a reply around 5 PM. His mom messaged me from his Facebook account informing me he was admitted to the hospital Sunday morning. He tried overdosing on his medication and drinking an excessive amount of alcohol - the exact suicide plan I heard him tell the nurses on Friday night.

I didn't cry. I felt like I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't want to admit it. Lulu and I went to watch the supermoon that night, and we talked about death.

I visited him in the hospital the next day. His body was covered in cuts, presumably from a glass bottle. He told me, through tears, I didn't deserve to go through this because of him. He didn't want me to see him this way. He didn't want to lose me, but we just couldn't be together anymore.

I walked out of the hospital and cried the entire car ride to a work function right down the street from his house. I wiped my tears as I walked in the restaurant and broke down in the middle of dinner. I rushed to the bathroom, unable to control myself. I ran out, drove past his house, and continued home through a blurry fog of tears.

What did I do to deserve this excruciating heartbreak? I didn’t know who to blame. I was annoyed with myself for indulging in my delusional boyfriend fantasies for so long. I was angry at him for hurting himself, and therefore hurting me. I felt betrayed by my records and the countless musicians who made them. They taught me love was exhilarating and convinced me it was worth the risk.

I didn’t believe them anymore.

Despite being broken up, I still tried to maintain as much contact with him as possible while he was in the hospital. Because he couldn't use his cell phone, this was almost exclusively through writing him letters. I wrote to him daily and dropped the letters off on the seventh floor, right outside the psychiatric ward. He also wasn't able to listen to music, so I took it upon myself to hand write him some lyrics. My song of choice was the Modern Lovers' "Hospital". Jonathan Richman's words were painfully relevant:

"So... When you get out of the hospital

Let me back into your life

I can't stand what you do

But I'm in love with your eyes

...

Last time I walked down your street

There were tears in my eyes

Well these streets, we all know

They help us cry when we're alone late at night"

A few days after he was admitted, I was spending the day with Lulu. We were antiquing and thrifting, because there is no greater form of therapy than digging through dead people's unwanted stuff. I immediately noticed a mannequin wearing a 1960s cheetah print coat - an item I have lusted after since first hearing the Arctic Monkeys' "Arabella" way back in 2013. At first glance, it looked too small. I decided to try it on anyway. It fit perfectly, as if it was made for me.

After admiring myself in the mirror for a few seconds, Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" started playing loudly over the speakers. Lulu and I have been obsessed with Buffett's yacht rock masterpiece since seeing Milwaukee band Sat. Nite Duets cover it at a street festival over the summer. We looked at each other with wide eyes and dropped jaws. The universe was speaking to me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I was trying to listen.

I bought the coat, obviously.

Two days later, I picked **** up from the hospital. I took him back to his mom's house. We played with his cats and gave each other a hug goodbye. This was the last time we saw each other.

All tragic breakups need a good breakup band, and mine was ABBA. ABBA celebrated two marriages and survived two divorces during their time as one of the most famous bands in the world. Even after the divorces, the band continued to perform. They sang songs about falling in love and falling apart while sharing the stage with their former lovers. I screamed the lyrics to “Knowing Me, Knowing You” every morning on my way to work. If Agnetha and Frida could smile through their sorrow, so could I.

As I tried to heal my heart, I replayed the story of our relationship over and over in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about how "Disorder" was the last song we ever listened to together. Joy Division broke up in 1980 after frontman Ian Curtis committed suicide at age 23. The irony was almost laughable. After Curtis' death, the remaining members of the band continued making music under the name New Order.

My life is in a new order of its own. I finally realize I’ve spent far too much time longing for someone to laugh, cry, dream, and grow with. I was desperate to sing a duet, not realizing how resilient I am performing solo.

However, I’m not without a backing band. I have a significant other always by my side. When we’re together, I feel comforted and encouraged. I’m already very familiar with the most passionate relationship I will ever have in my life. I have music, and it’s my greatest love of all.

First Love

2:38 PM

First albums are like noses. Everybody has one. They're essential to bodily functioning.

I've always been intrigued by the albums that get young people interested in music. The early stages of my musical development are extremely important to me. Looking back, they played a huge part in setting the tone for my future.

I asked my friends to tell me about the albums that paved the way for them: the first albums they ever remember owning.

LAUREN, 20, MILWAUKEE WI

My parents never provided me with much music exposure. My mom and grandma used to play the Mamma Mia! CD on a daily basis in the car, opening my ears to the magic of ABBA at a young age. My dad's ringtone was a Cheap Trick song. (I didn't figure this out until much later in life. It was "Surrender".)

The first CD that I remember asking someone else to buy for me was the soundtrack for the first High School Musical movie. This was back in 2006. I was nine years old. I begged my grandma to take me to Best Buy before the movie premiered so I could listen the CD ahead of time. I distinctly remember hearing to "Stick To The Status Quo" (A SAW?????) for the first time. Little did nine year old me how much cultural impact the High School Musical soundtrack would have on people of my age group.

The first CD I remember buying for myself was The Beatles' "1", a collection of their songs that reached number one in the UK and US. This around the time I was in sixth grade. My reason for wanting to purchase this CD is very similar to the approach that I still take to finding new music today. Eleven year old me had of course heard many good things about The Beatles, and knew they were legendary. I wanted the first CD I ever buy to be the greatest band of all time... obviously.

Today, my favorite band is The Replacements. They have been my favorite band since I was 18, and I'm going on 21 now. Some additional favorite bands include Big Star, Neil Young and the Beach Boys among many others. Even though The Beatles are not included in this list, they are still my second most listened to band (after The Replacements) according to my last.fm page. For the record, I also still consider The Beatles to be the greatest band of all time.

It is very easy to put Big Star, Neil Young, and The Beach Boys in the same bracket as The Beatles. Coincidentally, my favorite album ever is The Replacements' "Let It Be". The title is actually a jab at The Beatles. Singer/light of my life Paul Westerberg has said that the title was "our way of saying that nothing is sacred, that The Beatles were just a fine rock and roll band." It did take a lot of listening to, uh, bad music to discover the, uh, "acclaimed" music that I listen to today. I can definitely attribute The Beatles' majestic and intricate body of work to this journey of discovery.

SAM, 19, SANTA CRUZ CA

The first CDs I distinctly remember buying for myself are American Idiot by Green Day and B’Day by Beyoncé. I bought American Idiot first, when I was around 10 and trying to fit in with this group of tomboys at my school. I ended up genuinely liking it and I think it sort of fueled the political side of me that I wasn’t quite consciously aware of at age 10.

I bought B’Day a few years later, and it was definitely more formative to my music taste today. I don’t listen to Green Day much now, but I still know every word of the songs on American Idiot. I remember being completely enthralled with the 10 minute, 5-part songs “Jesus of Suburbia” and “Homecoming” when I first heard the album. I didn’t know music could be made like that. I still listen to B’Day all the time, even 10 years later. The song “Kitty Kat” from that album might even be my favorite Beyoncé song.

I can’t choose a singular favorite artist or band. I think I listen to Beyoncé, Radiohead, and Kanye West the most. According to Spotify, my most-listened song this year was "Father Stretch My Hands" by Kanye West. I also saw all three of these artists this year. Maybe I’m just going through a phase with all of them. All of these artists have been in my life for a long time and have impacted me a lot.

I think B’Day definitely set the trajectory for most of my music taste today, but not so much with American Idiot. I clearly am still very obsessed with Beyoncé, but who isn’t? Kanye and Beyoncé are related musically, and Radiohead is the odd one out. Although, I do think Kanye and Radiohead share some similarities in the way they both use unconventional beats and vocal effects. I think American Idiot influenced the angsty pop-punk I listened to in middle school like Blink-182, but I tend to gravitate more towards pop and R&B today. I can easily say that both B’Day and American Idiot shaped me into who I am today: a politically-charged diva.

VANESSA, 21, GREEN BAY WI

The first album I ever recall purchasing with my own money was So Wrong, It’s Right by All Time Low. It was 2007/2008, so I was about 12 or 13 years old and in the seventh grade. I thought I was cool going into Hot Topic at Southridge Mall and buying my very own CD. It ended up being my favorite album for probably 4 or 5 years, honestly. It really was the soundtrack of a very transitional period of my life. I still find myself listening to it sometimes, mostly for nostalgia.

I think The Maine would be my current favorite band. When I first started listening to them years ago, they weren’t very good and played some strange hybrid genre that didn’t quite make sense. I loved it at the time. Now they’ve grown so much and have become more of an indie/rock type of band. I think they’re my favorite because somehow my music interests always match whatever new music they put out. I’ll start to get interested in a certain type of music and suddenly they’ll release an album that matches that perfectly. It’s honestly incredible. They’ve become an amazing band and are extremely talented.

Growing up, I was surrounded by so many genres of music. You could turn on practically any station on the radio and my mom will probably know the lyrics to every song. I definitely attribute my varied music taste to my mother. While the music I listen to has grown and evolved greatly, the music I used to listen to has provided almost a baseline of what I like and dislike in a song or artist. Sometimes I find myself gravitating toward certain songs or artists because they share qualities of things I’ve liked in the past. However, I also like to branch out and explore new things. I’m always searching for music that is completely out of the realm of what I’m used to because I get often grow bored of listening to the same thing all the time.

MACKENNA, 20, MILWAUKEE WI

I remember buying Metamorphosis by Hillary Duff when it came out in 2003. I was definitely a Disney Channel kid and a huge Hilary Duff fangirl. Later on, I bought more of her CDs and saw her live. It was a magical experience. Another album that defined by childhood was Shania Twain's Up!, a two disc album. It had the album performed in a country style on one disc and a pop style on the other. I'm glad that I grew up with some cool female role models.

I struggle to name a favorite band after my high school favorite went on an indefinite hiatus and broke my heart! The band I have listened to the most in recent years is Parquet Courts. I love all of their music and it's my favorite to listen to when I'm making art. Another one of my top artists from the past few years is Twin Peaks. The first time I saw them live had a huge impact on me and it made their music even more important.

I would consider middle school my biggest stage of musical development. In 6th grade I stopped listened to what was popular on the radio and got really into My Chemical Romance's

whole discography. I also loved blink-182 at the time and I inherited my dad's The Offspring CDs. I was listening to a lot of entry level emo and punk music. Today, I still like listening to stuff within those genres but I lean more towards garage rock or surf punk music. When I was growing up, I listened to many different genres. When I found My Chemical Romance, I felt a strong connection and it helped me to identify with one music genre the most.

LULU, 20, MILWAUKEE WI

I don’t remember my exact first album, but one of my firsts was Usher’s 2004 hit album Confessions. I was 8 years old and madly in love with him.

My favorite band right now is Big Star. Big Star is 1970s band from Nashville who never really achieved any commercial success. Music critics loved them and that’s pretty much it. Throughout the years, they’ve gained a pretty big cult following, which is pretty cool. I also really love ABBA and Neil Young. I could listen to these three every single day and not get tired. (I listened to Neil Young’s After The Gold Rush three times in full just today... not sorry.)

It wasn’t until middle school and high School that I started seeking out my own music. My favorite band in high school was the Arctic Monkeys. I don’t listen to them much anymore, but they've influenced a lot of what I listen to today. Each of their albums have completely different sounds and influencing artists. My favorite album of theirs is Suck It and See, which they say was heavily influenced by Neil Young. I have definitely stayed in the realm of rock music, but its become a little more...refined.

KAREN, 20, MILWAUKEE WI

If I'm being honest, the first CD I remember asking for and listening to non-stop was the Lilo and Stitch soundtrack. I remember thinking the movie characters were beautiful. Apparently that was 2002, so I must've been 6 or 7. The soundtrack was basically just Elvis Presley. Surprisingly, I didn't grow to become an Elvis fan but I'm sure the music has a lot of sentimental value.

One Christmas my cousin gifted me Gwen Stefani's Love. Angel. Music. Baby. It was fundamental at the time. I was obsessed with Harajuku Girls and the music videos for What You Waiting For?, Rich Girl, and Hollaback Girl. I'm pretty sure I would just act out each song in my bedroom.

It's kind of torturous to pick my favorite bands anymore. I'd add everyone I enjoy to this list if I could. Warpaint, Daniel Rossen, Grizzly Bear, Kanye West, and Beach House are some core ones. I suppose Vampire Weekend gets an honorable mention. Whitney and Car Seat Headrest are relatively new to me, but I've already built up so much sentimental value for them that they make the list.

To this day, I've considered my formative music years to be

high school. After I discovered *independent* music in 7th grade, I rejected all *mainstream* music the following year. I quickly learned that I still loved things on the radio and that it wasn't always a horrible place to be. I can definitely understand how the likes of Gwen or Elvis still influence some of my tastes today. A large portion of the music I enjoy simply has catchy beats, whether it's Charli XCX or Warpaint. On the other hand, artists like

Whitney or Daniel Rossen (of Grizzly Bear) feature twangy guitar sounds that I loved about Elvis.

[Note: LILO AND HER RECORD PLAYER IS ALL OF US]